This Christmas

This has by far been my best Christmas season to date. I have had more excitement, more wonder and more anticipation of Christmas day than I've ever had. And I've been thinking a lot about why this is. There's no doubt that our precious son Anlon has so much to do with this. He brings more joy to Vipul and I than we could have imagined. Although he's too young to fully understand all that Christmas is, he loves looking at the lights and ornaments on our tree, the glittery garland around our staircase and the stockings that hang nearby. He loves it when we sing songs of this season to him as we rock him before bedtime. And he especially loves hearing us read his special book about the first Christmas many years ago. 

As I've thought about why I'm so in awe of this Christmas, I've realized that it's because having Anlon has reminded me of what's most important about Christmas. It's made me think about what Vipul and I will teach him about why we celebrate Christmas. We will teach him that Christmas is not about the beautiful decorations (although I do love them) and it's not about the festive music. It's not about Santa Claus either (not that I'm knocking Santa :) And although it's wonderful to give and receive thoughtful gifts from loved ones, Christmas is not about gifts. As our pastor reminded me this past Sunday, Christmas is about more than gifts. It's about the Giver of gifts.

Pastor Craig shared a story about a man who witnessed a bird fly into his garage. He tried many different ways to get this bird out, but the bird was terrified. The man realized that the bird was scared of him because he was so much bigger than the bird. He thought that if only he could become a bird, he could show the bird the way out and it wouldn't be afraid. If we had encountered God Himself, in all of His glory, we would have been terrified. So He sent His son, fully God and yet able to experience life like us, to reveal Himself to us and show His love for us.

"For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." Romans 3:23

"This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins." 1 John 4:9-10

"And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, 'Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you: he is Christ the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.'" Luke 2: 8-12

Here's a link to a song I love by the group Downhere - "How Many Kings"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3iSivQmzJ_w

From our home to yours, MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!

 

My Gratitude

Well, it's been much longer than I had planned since I last wrote. I'm confident that I'll be able to write more soon, but right now I'm finding it hard to care for Anlon and keep up with all of the other things that are important to me. I've thought a lot about writing over the last few weeks and I've been asking God to give me insight, because I feel like so far He has really inspired my posts. And He answered my prayer - over the last week, my mind has literally been flooded with things that I'm grateful for. So much so that I've been writing things down when I'm stopped at traffic lights so that I wouldn't forget. It's really been encouraging to meditate on all of my blessings, since it's easy for me to get caught up in life's difficulties. So here's my list so far, in no specific order...

I'm thankful

1. for Vipul and the sides of him that only I get to see
2. for Anlon and the sweet, happy baby that he is (despite not sleeping nearly enough!)

3. that Vipul is a hands-on Dad
4. that our parents love Anlon
5. to have the freedom to vote for our country's leaders
6. that God is in control of history
7. for genuine, supportive, fun girlfriends
8. that despite having a history of depression, I didn't suffer from post-partum depression
9. that I'm able to have the greatest job I've ever had - being home with Anlon
10. for the cooler weather and Fall, my favorite season
11. to live in the greatest nation in the world
12. for my dear friend Chrissy's sweet offer to watch Anlon so we could have a great date night

13. for neighbors who stop us to see Anlon
14. for Metropolitan Ministries and the good work they do in our community
15. that we chose the name Anlon (it's Irish and means 'great champion')
16. for Anlon's growing library of books
17. for feeling God's presence more and more
18. for relationships restored
19. for the movie 'A Beautiful Mind' and the insight it gives into mental illness
20. that despite the fact that our townhome is feeling much smaller with a baby and has lost considerable value, most days I'm completely content living here
21. for hearing Vipul sing praise songs to the Lord when he doesn't know I'm listening :)
22. that after months of deciding on nursery decor, I love the simple, classic look we chose
23. for our sweet cat Sebo who follows me into Anlon's room every time I wake up to feed him and then follows me back out
24. for cleansing rain
25. for crisp, white sheets
26. for our church and the leadership that Pastor Craig provides
27. for capable, compassionate RNs that I worked with at Moffitt Cancer Center
28. for intelligent, caring, fun RDs that I worked with in the department of Nutrition Therapy
29. for Bible Study Fellowship
30. for the beautiful, rich culture of Vipul's family

31. for the fun trip we have planned this weekend with good friends (Anlon's first road trip!)
32. for my Grandmom who was a living example of Jesus's love
33. that God is revealing areas of ugly pride in my heart
34. that my Mom and Dad are friends
35. for my strong, capable Mom
36. for our church worship band 97 West's cd and how it calms Anlon in the car when he's fussy (usually!)
37. for the Johnston family and our Sunday lunches with them
38. that God's grace covers my countless sins
39.that Vipul puts my needs before his own
40. for possibilities

Lessons Through Anlon

A dear friend of mine, Bethany, shared these words with me before I had Anlon. 'Kindra, learn about God through baby Shah. It will revolutionize your life, marriage and relationship with the Lord.' In the 9 short weeks that 'baby Shah' has been in our presence, he has already taught me so much.

Yesterday was a rough day. Vipul was out of town, on a long-awaited guys retreat, and Anlon had developed a cough the night before. By the morning, it was clear that he didn't feel well. Thankfully, he didn't have a fever. But the coughing had become more frequent and he had some nasal congestion. All day, he just couldn't get comfortable. He wasn't nursing as well, wasn't playing as well and most of all wasn't resting as well. I could tell he was so tired, but he just couldn't sleep. At one point, I was upstairs rocking him. I had the lights turned out, lullabies on, and as I tried to slowly rock him to sleep, he wiggled. And squirmed. And fussed. And cried. And as I began to whisper to him, 'Just rest Anlon, just rest', God revealed something about Himself to me in that moment. When I'm not feeling good, and I don't know what to do or what to say or even what to pray for, He wants me to rest in Him. To just rest in the knowledge that He knows every detail of my heart, He is always good, He is always with me and He will always take care of me.

One of my favorite verses is Matthew 11:28 'Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.' Life can be really hard. There are so many things that can pull me away from feeling rested. Currently, having a new baby who wakes up frequently at night makes feeling physically rested a challenge. But much more important that physical rest is spiritual rest.

Anlon finally did fall asleep. He finally did rest in my arms. And in that moment, I rested in my Heavenly Father's arms.

Times

As I'm sitting here nursing Anlon, I'm listening to one of my favorite artists, Tenth Avenue North. One of their songs, Times, makes me cry every time I hear it. It describes a longing for God, an aching to be close to Him, while questioning if He is still there, if He has grown tired of forgiving. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XAVHeVDML5k

Some things are almost impossible to describe. I've experienced God's forgiveness, mercy and grace in ways that I find hard to put into words. If left to myself, I can be selfish, hateful, unforgiving, judgmental, angry, resentful, prideful, manipulative...the list goes on. Vipul can probably add a few more :) But I believe with everything that I am in a holy, perfect God who loves me despite my sin, who gives purpose to this crazy world I live in, who created me in His image but gave me the option of choosing to love Him, and loved me so much that He took the weight of every one of my sins upon Himself and sacrificed Himself on a cross so that I could choose, or not, to accept Him. My life has not been easier since making the decision to follow Christ. In fact, some of the most painful experiences I've had occurred since making this decision. But I've had a glimpse of love like I'd never known, a peace in the midst of turmoil, joy unlike any other. I know my Creator and that's everything I need.

Getting Started

I've been considering starting a blog for a couple of years, and thanks to my dear friends Amber and Chrissy, I'm finally here! Thanks to you both for all of your encouragement and help in setting up my blog.

Today my son Anlon is 5 weeks and 2 days old. As I'm watching him sleep on my husband's chest, I'm reminded of the 5 1/2 years before he joined our family. After 7 months of dating and a short 5 month engagement, Vipul and I were married on February 26, 2005. I knew I eventually wanted children, but I was definitely not in a hurry. I wanted to enjoy just being married and growing with my husband. Vipul was still in residency when we got married, so my desire fell in line with the fact that he still had several more years of training before he would have a 'real' job.

We've had many wonderful times, just the two of us. We've been spontaneous and have often planned surprise trips for one another. We've gone to Alaska, the Bahamas, New York City, Chicago, Las Vegas... we've taken a couple of cruises, stayed in quaint bed and breakfast inns as well as nice hotels, spent a year in Denver enjoying skiing almost every weekend in the winter... but we've also had many trials. We each brought past hurts and disappointments into our marriage and have endured family struggles, changes in friendships, work disappointments, and even a near-death experience. We've literally experienced 'in sickness and in health.' And I was afraid.

Afraid of having a child. Afraid that I wouldn't be a good mother, that we wouldn't be the parents God desires, that generational sin would creep in, that we would never have fun trips again, that we'd never have a date again, that all we'd ever talk about would be the kids, that I would suffer from post-partum depression, that I'd lose myself.... so I began to pray and ask God to help me with my fears and prepare my heart if it was His timing for us to begin trying to conceive. And then one day I remember standing in our kitchen and thought, 'something is missing in our life, in our home.' I can't say that every fear disappeared that day. In fact, I continued to have to fight some of these fears during my pregnancy, along with a few new ones such as 'what if the nursery isn't ready and I haven't sent out all of the thank you cards before he comes'. But God was so patient and gracious with me. And on the night I went into labor, I can honestly say I had complete peace. And that peace has continued.

Now as I look at our son, I am just blown away by how utterly good our God is. How He doesn't give us what we deserve. He never gives up on us, He never gets tired of us, He never leaves us. He's bestowed on Vipul and I a precious gift, Anlon Vipul Shah. Anlon's name means 'great champion.' As I think about it, a champion couldn't be such if fear was his guide. I'm a mess in my own flesh, and I won't be a perfect mom. But I can't wait to see what God has in store for us.