Lessons Through Anlon

A dear friend of mine, Bethany, shared these words with me before I had Anlon. 'Kindra, learn about God through baby Shah. It will revolutionize your life, marriage and relationship with the Lord.' In the 9 short weeks that 'baby Shah' has been in our presence, he has already taught me so much.

Yesterday was a rough day. Vipul was out of town, on a long-awaited guys retreat, and Anlon had developed a cough the night before. By the morning, it was clear that he didn't feel well. Thankfully, he didn't have a fever. But the coughing had become more frequent and he had some nasal congestion. All day, he just couldn't get comfortable. He wasn't nursing as well, wasn't playing as well and most of all wasn't resting as well. I could tell he was so tired, but he just couldn't sleep. At one point, I was upstairs rocking him. I had the lights turned out, lullabies on, and as I tried to slowly rock him to sleep, he wiggled. And squirmed. And fussed. And cried. And as I began to whisper to him, 'Just rest Anlon, just rest', God revealed something about Himself to me in that moment. When I'm not feeling good, and I don't know what to do or what to say or even what to pray for, He wants me to rest in Him. To just rest in the knowledge that He knows every detail of my heart, He is always good, He is always with me and He will always take care of me.

One of my favorite verses is Matthew 11:28 'Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.' Life can be really hard. There are so many things that can pull me away from feeling rested. Currently, having a new baby who wakes up frequently at night makes feeling physically rested a challenge. But much more important that physical rest is spiritual rest.

Anlon finally did fall asleep. He finally did rest in my arms. And in that moment, I rested in my Heavenly Father's arms.

Times

As I'm sitting here nursing Anlon, I'm listening to one of my favorite artists, Tenth Avenue North. One of their songs, Times, makes me cry every time I hear it. It describes a longing for God, an aching to be close to Him, while questioning if He is still there, if He has grown tired of forgiving. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XAVHeVDML5k

Some things are almost impossible to describe. I've experienced God's forgiveness, mercy and grace in ways that I find hard to put into words. If left to myself, I can be selfish, hateful, unforgiving, judgmental, angry, resentful, prideful, manipulative...the list goes on. Vipul can probably add a few more :) But I believe with everything that I am in a holy, perfect God who loves me despite my sin, who gives purpose to this crazy world I live in, who created me in His image but gave me the option of choosing to love Him, and loved me so much that He took the weight of every one of my sins upon Himself and sacrificed Himself on a cross so that I could choose, or not, to accept Him. My life has not been easier since making the decision to follow Christ. In fact, some of the most painful experiences I've had occurred since making this decision. But I've had a glimpse of love like I'd never known, a peace in the midst of turmoil, joy unlike any other. I know my Creator and that's everything I need.

Getting Started

I've been considering starting a blog for a couple of years, and thanks to my dear friends Amber and Chrissy, I'm finally here! Thanks to you both for all of your encouragement and help in setting up my blog.

Today my son Anlon is 5 weeks and 2 days old. As I'm watching him sleep on my husband's chest, I'm reminded of the 5 1/2 years before he joined our family. After 7 months of dating and a short 5 month engagement, Vipul and I were married on February 26, 2005. I knew I eventually wanted children, but I was definitely not in a hurry. I wanted to enjoy just being married and growing with my husband. Vipul was still in residency when we got married, so my desire fell in line with the fact that he still had several more years of training before he would have a 'real' job.

We've had many wonderful times, just the two of us. We've been spontaneous and have often planned surprise trips for one another. We've gone to Alaska, the Bahamas, New York City, Chicago, Las Vegas... we've taken a couple of cruises, stayed in quaint bed and breakfast inns as well as nice hotels, spent a year in Denver enjoying skiing almost every weekend in the winter... but we've also had many trials. We each brought past hurts and disappointments into our marriage and have endured family struggles, changes in friendships, work disappointments, and even a near-death experience. We've literally experienced 'in sickness and in health.' And I was afraid.

Afraid of having a child. Afraid that I wouldn't be a good mother, that we wouldn't be the parents God desires, that generational sin would creep in, that we would never have fun trips again, that we'd never have a date again, that all we'd ever talk about would be the kids, that I would suffer from post-partum depression, that I'd lose myself.... so I began to pray and ask God to help me with my fears and prepare my heart if it was His timing for us to begin trying to conceive. And then one day I remember standing in our kitchen and thought, 'something is missing in our life, in our home.' I can't say that every fear disappeared that day. In fact, I continued to have to fight some of these fears during my pregnancy, along with a few new ones such as 'what if the nursery isn't ready and I haven't sent out all of the thank you cards before he comes'. But God was so patient and gracious with me. And on the night I went into labor, I can honestly say I had complete peace. And that peace has continued.

Now as I look at our son, I am just blown away by how utterly good our God is. How He doesn't give us what we deserve. He never gives up on us, He never gets tired of us, He never leaves us. He's bestowed on Vipul and I a precious gift, Anlon Vipul Shah. Anlon's name means 'great champion.' As I think about it, a champion couldn't be such if fear was his guide. I'm a mess in my own flesh, and I won't be a perfect mom. But I can't wait to see what God has in store for us.